I’m often asked,
Why don’t more people do yoga?
Buy a mat.
Roll it.
The Black Mat, standing seven feet and weighing in at more than 7lbs!
Shove it in a bag.
Schlepp it.
Negotiate steps, the subway, a bus, a bicycle, concrete.
Day in and day out.
Weeks.
Months
Years.
To wear or not too wear,
your high-ticket yoga togs on the street?
The A side,
you announce to the world, I paid big bucks for shapeless drawstring cropped pants and a t-shirt with some one else’s God on it.
People actually buy these.
Check me out, the clothes announce,
I do yoga.
My shirt is paying attention, so I don’t have to.
Or, wait.
Is that the B side?
A style option?
Sport tightie lycra gear with patterned insets and colored over-stiching. Romper suits for yummy mummies.
But is it streetwear?
Or don’t street-wear it.
Lug it.
Dry. Wet.
Back. Forth.
Day after day.
Week after week.
Year after year.
There.
That’s why more people don’t do yoga.
The mat, the bag, the clothes.
The days. The years.
Not to mention, all those catty Yoga Queens.
Meeeoowww.
Oooowww!
You’re familiar with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, out in their Sunday best with polite smiles, calm voices, taking time out of a busy day to let you know they’ve been chosen to airlift into the afterlife where pandas play with tigers while children of all colors live in one nation in the sky?
Though certain they’ve been specially selected for eternal happiness, they’d like you to be selected too. And to that end, they freely share the Watchtower.
They’re so nice.
Don’t expect the same step-up from a Yoga Queen.
YQ’s wear a smug mug like they found a font of fat-free chocolate and they ain’t sharing.
They want you to know their life gets better exponentially as yours gets worse.
These queens bought at Lululemon and shopped till they dropped down to perfect splits.
And now, they are spiritually better off .
Than everyone.
This means you!
YQ’s don’t need a soul mate.
They found their soul mat.
It is in that behemoth bag over their shoulder.
When a YQ asks, What’s new?
Avoid divulging anything other than the following showoff-and-tell:
1. Didn’t you hear? I won the lottery!
2. Both my lovers are Versace models.
3. I’m engaged, isn’t this 8 carat diamond just flawless?
4. Check out my new purse, the Namaste Hobo, only $1,680 at Barneys.
In response, a YQ will shake her $400 dollar highlights, take your hand and welcome you to the fold,
Yoga has changed my life so much too. Aren’t we incredible!
But never.
And, I mean never,
answer a YQ, with news of heartache or woe.
Never tell a Yoga Queen:
1. My Mom/Dad has Alzheimers/cancer/Parkinsons.
2. My Grandmother/Uncle just passed away.
3. I’m getting divorced.
4. My son got kicked out of school.
5. My brother’s back in rehab for Oxycodone.
6. The bank took my home.
7. I’ve been laid off.
8. Bernard Madoff stole all my Aunt’s money even after she’d been sleeping with him for years.
To these, Yoga Queen will respond with a far off gaze as she oversees the wheel of karma turn from up, up and away in her karma-free hot air balloon where she sips bubbling kombucha tea from her Sigg eco-jug.
Wow, she’ll say,
without a trace of pity,
YOU really are having a tough year.
And what can you say to that, if even you can speak?
You could try,
1. Princess, your loved ones will get sick and die too.
2. One out of ten marriages end in divorce. Give me hubby’s number and I’ll guarantee yours is next.
3. Id’ like to share this new yoga boost with you. It’s called Adderall, I just bought it off of Craigslist. Here, take a few with your skinny chai latte.
But usually less is more.
Simply,
Place your hands together before your heart,
Bow your head,
And in the seductive tones that charm snakes from slumber say,
Namaste
Bitch
Or if you prefer plain English,
Be Nice.
Kiki in black.
